So you live in Vienna, VA. You, your wife, and the kids just got an invite to meet up with a few other families for a playdate/drinks next Friday? Sure it will be fun for the kids, so your fatherly duties require you to be there. But that is when the sense of dread begins. You don’t know these people. What are you going to talk about for three hours with a bunch of near strangers?
Or…
You are in the third quarter of your son or daughter’s VYS soccer game and another parent ambles up to you with the “Hi there” look in his/her face. The action of the game isn’t going to keep anyone’s attention, so you know you are in for some time-filler conversation.
Or…
You just want to make a quick stop in at Whole Foods on Maple Avenue to pick up some steaks to grill out on Saturday. Before you cruise past the produce section, though, someone you vaguely recognize as the dad of a kid in your son or daughter’s elementary school class peaks out from between the bananas and the organic avocadoes with a big smile and a “How’s it going, buddy? What’s up?” Cue the pit in the stomach.
Well if your introverted or anti-social tendencies make any of the above scenarios seem as pleasant as the Bataan Death March, just relax. 2 Vienna Dads has got your back. Grab your beer of choice and read the survival topics and tips below. We’ll get through this together. And we’ll start with restaurants.
Survival Topic 1 – Eat Where You Live. Know the ins and outs of Vienna restaurant activity.
Trust us, everything starts with this. It’s like having a good offensive line or a solid point guard. If you can’t handle this topic, you might as well just stay home, slugger. Not much happens in Vienna beyond new places to eat, drink, and buy mattresses. And people eat more than the other two activities (barely). Here are some sample lines and topics to help you out of any Vienna conversational jam.
Note: We have rated each line according to the likelihood that whoever you are speaking with will know what you are talking about (the “Common Connection Rating”) as well as the likelihood the conversation will lead to other, related topics (the “Potential for Follow Up”). These are on a scale from 1 to 10, and they are based on nothing whatsoever.
I’m taking my wife to Clarity for our next ‘date night’. Bazin’s is still good, but we want to try something new.
Common Connection Rating: 9 Potential for Follow Up: 4
Clarity has been the buzz of Vienna since it opened in 2015. If someone you are talking to doesn’t know about this place, then he/she is a poser. Congratulations, you have gained the conversation upper hand.
Also, this is a solid conversation starter because it serves two purposes. First, if you are talking to someone who knows your wife, then you can rest assured you will score points if she hears you are contemplating a dinner at Clarity in the future. Second, there aren’t really that many top-end restaurants in Vienna, so you limit the potential that the conversation goes too far astray. If whomever you are speaking with mentions the Maple Ave Restaurant, however, then you will want to quickly move to one of the next few topics.
And be careful about badmouthing Bazin’s too much. It is an institution and still has lots of Vienna support. Think of this as discussing the careers of Cam Newton (Clarity) vs. Peyton Manning (Bazin’s).
Have you had the bulgogi sub at Chase the Submarine? I had it with some Caboose beer they had on tap there. Great Saturday lunch!
Common Connection Rating: 6 Potential for Follow Up: 7
Chase the Submarine is a hot topic these days. So this line can pay dividends, but it is a bit more risky. Kind of like drafting a pass rusher in the first round – you could be set for a long time with this pick, or it could be a bust that will haunt you for a few seasons.
Why? Because while this gem allows to show your mastery of the latest news regarding the Vienna dining scene and combine it with an impressive reference to developments in Vienna bars/brewpubs (more on the brewpub topic in a future post), it can lead the conversation to other areas you’d prefer to avoid. Be ready, for example, to discuss what is going on with the development on Church Street, what is happening to the Nielsen’s Custard Place, or (as a long shot) all the great Korean food you can get off of Route 50/29 in Falls Church. That is a lot of prep work. So this may not be an option until you are comfortable with the basics, like…
We’re thinking of laying low this weekend and just ordering Lombardi’s Pizza. You know it’s the delivery version of Church Street Pizza?
Common Connection Rating: 9 Potential for Follow Up: 8
Just like the first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club, the first rule of Vienna pizza is you do not talk about any pizza other than Church Street Pizza (or it’s delivery cousin, Lombardi’s). Trust us on this one, guys.
You may prefer the pizza from national chains like Dominos or Vocellis. You may like the party cut from Donato’s. You may (if you have no taste in pizza whatsoever) like to grab a slice at Joe’s Pizza and Pasta. In any of these cases, do not admit as such. Church Street Pizza is a religion in Vienna, with many residents convinced it is as good as any of the great New York pizza establishments. It isn’t, and we know that. It is the Albert Haynesworth of pizza places – lots of talent and potential, but just not the dominance you would expect. But you will save yourself a ton of hassle if you just go with the flow.
And this topic is your best “go to” move to make an easy contribution to the conversation. Everyone eats pizza and this lay up of a line will get you a lot of movie night suggestions.
Moving On
Look, we know this stuff is lame. We know you don’t like to make small talk. But you chose to move to Vienna and start a family. You don’t live downtown anymore, dude, and your days of closing the deal in Clarendon are over.
If you want to make the best of it and get through your dad conversations, we suggest you memorize the suggested lines above.
(Next up: The Vienna bar scene. Or “Vienna Small Talk 2 and ½ – the Smell of Beer”)
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